Monica’s story
A prophetic face painting depicting the blossoming into the freedom to be me. Trusting God for my outcomes and making something beautiful out of my life!
I grew up in a very strict religious home. My mother was a devout believer and my dad went to church out of duty. I had an older sister and brother who played together well without me. My brother was actually very upset and disappointed when I was born because he didn’t get the little brother he wanted. He did come along when I was nine and I smothered him with love and affection. I am happy to say, my siblings are now my best friends and biggest supporters and encouragers.
At a young age my mom left to go on vacation by herself. It was then, that my sexual abuse started. At ten I was raped and at seventeen I was sexually assaulted. All by men I knew. I became anorexic for several years and thought I’d never have children. My body fat level was so low I didn’t have any periods.
I did get married at 22 and ended up having four children in less than four years! We had two toddlers and when our son was twenty months I gave birth to twins. A nervous breakdown and a postpartum depression followed, that then, turned into a rapid cycle bipolar disorder. Fear shame and pride kept me from proper medical treatment. Finally after 12 years I took my doctor’s advice and went on medication. It helped and I went from being scattered to stable, and thinking I could never hold down a job to enjoying a part time job. Years later, I volunteered full time in a Ministry.
The unfortunate thing was our marriage was quite dysfunctional. Anger and abuse permeated our home. I almost separated when the children were young. It didn’t happen then, but after 36 years of marriage. I was on my own by my choice. It was at this point I sought professional help. I got in touch with deeply buried emotions and dealt with my childhood sexual abuse, trauma and disassociations. It was also at this time I found out that my white blood count was below normal due to my medication. So after 20 years, together with my doctor, I slowly and steadily reduce my medication. It took four and a half years. I believe that the two years of intense counseling that coincided with this made a huge difference. I have gained greater clarity about my life and body, and as well worked on renewing my mind. I’m walking in newness of life to the praise and glory of God.
A year-and-a-half after our separation, my husband identified the root cause of his anger and abusive behavior. He took full responsibility for being controlling and for his behavior. That was huge for him and healing for me. We began seeing each other again. I saw real change and fruits of repentance. A year later we were back together again. We both were learning to live life differently, loving ourselves and practicing functional relationship skills. We went for Emotional Focused Couples Therapy. As well, we read books and watched videos by relationship coaches. It wasn’t always easy. Dealing with trauma triggers was especially hard for me, but healing has come. Love and acceptance, honor and respect now fill our home. We live taking full responsibility for ourselves with a no blame foundation and aim to be reflective listeners, so we each feel heard, understood, valued and validated.
The fallen have not failed they facilitate new purposes. And the abused is now abounding, no longer living a victim lifestyle but a victorious one.
I share from my own experience. I write about the things I have learned, applied and benefited from in my own life. Hoping that you will find some nuggets that will speak into your life to bless, encourage, inspire, motivate, challenge and help you in your journey as you run your race to the finish line.
I am an author, speaker, teacher and coach for the glory of God.
I am not a professional counselor. I do Personal Development Coaching and together with my husband, we are certified Love and Respect Marriage Mentors.
Robert’s Story
Growing up in a dysfunctional family, I didn’t get the healthy acceptance and affirmation I needed, nor did I develop a basic self-confidence and security. I experienced many good changes when I entered the Evangelical Christian world at 19. Quite naively, I believed that everything would be fine from then on, although not necessarily easy. A year later I met Monica, and we were married almost four years after that. We were sure our marriage and family would be different from our first families, and certainly better. I was overly sensitive to mine and others’ feelings and Monica was not at all. However, I was not aware of how hurt and broken I was, and how I desperately tried to control other people and situations in an attempt to avoid more discomfort and pain.
While Monica & I did many things right, including marriage retreats, courses, books, etc., underlying our relationship was an ongoing power struggle. We were both strong-willed so it was very easy for us to blame one another and react in anger. I did conclude that I had an “anger problem”. I almost always felt bad after my sudden explosions and eruptions, not to mention stupid and childish. Finally I came to recognize that my behaviour towards my wife was emotionally abusive. But I really didn’t believe I could change at my age.
A week before my 60th birthday, Monica informed me that she needed time and space away from me and that I had to move out! Not only did she want NO contact, but also, the separation would be indefinite; no target date of re-connection. Because of God’s grace and mercy, what was probably the most heart-wrenching period of my entire life became one of the best and blessed. Not merely because I was away from living in tension, but because I drew closer to God and discovered that He really was and is my Abba, my Dad, and that I am really His forgiven son! I also discovered life after death to self. I was dead to my reputation, pride and secrets; dead to a permanent address and joint finances; dead to trying to be in control! As I had lost the most important relationship of my earthly life, I also lost the fear of losing anything else. I found freedom in depending on God every hour of every day. I was free to be who I really am.
While I no longer needed Monica in an unhealthy way, I did desire some kind of resolution. After more than a year of separation, I woke up to realize that control had been my core issue and basis for my inappropriate, angry behaviour! I overreacted with anger when I realized I was not in control, much less of myself. I couldn’t relate to obviously abusive men who controlled their wives outer world; what they wore, where they went, who they talked to, how much money they spent, etc. But it became clear that my type of abuse was more subtle. My insisting that she agree with me and think like me was arguably worse than even physical abuse, because it violated her inner personhood. Of course, now it seems utterly ridiculous to expect that another person, and a woman at that, would always come around and see things from MY perspective! Being more “educated” and a teacher besides, surely reinforced my mentality of being “right” at least 98% of the time.
After about a year of reading self-help books, months of individual counseling, and beginning a Christian 12-step program, I noticed that I was rarely feeling angry at anyone, anything or myself any more. Was I simply avoiding people and situations that would tempt me or was I really changing? It seemed I was free to accept what I couldn’t change and focus instead on what I COULD do in an uncomfortable or difficult situation.
Soon after I realized I was living with a new heart and spirit, I emailed my wife, not knowing whether there would be any response. She was willing to meet with me and for three hours we expressed thoughts and feelings, we shared similar things that we had learned, and we cried together. For the next seven months we met for a few hours almost every day. We experienced much healing during this wonderful, although often difficult, period of reconciliation.
Seven months later, we were both at peace about living together again. We soon experienced restoration and we celebrated our 38th wedding anniversary!
Realizing we still had several areas to work thru in our marriage, we committed ourselves to EFCT, Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, essentially practicing fully listening and saying back what we heard. Unfortunately, about a year and half later, as is often the case in life and relationships, I became lax and took for granted that Monica and I were living so much better than we used to. When it was obvious that she was sharing from her heart, I was ready and able to listen, but other times, I interrupted her and made it hard for her to finish what she wanted and/or needed to say, causing her to feel unimportant, devalued, etc.
In the past two years we’ve worked hard at practicing new relationship skills and undoing old habits. We’ve gone forward and we’ve had setbacks. I acknowledge that I need to be self-vigilant and consistently accountable to a few others in order to maintain my death to self and walking in newness, which means giving myself and even preferring my wife over myself, as it says in Phil. 2:3. Almost every morning we verbally commit and recommit to cultivating our connection. We don’t want to slip and lose what we’ve worked so hard to rebuild and enjoy!
We recently celebrated our 40th anniversary and are experiencing a renewed love, trust and security with one another. We feel privileged to be involved in offering hope and support to other wives, husbands and couples who are in crisis. We find it both humbling, as we depend on Holy Spirit’s wisdom and leading, and encouraging, as we already witness a difference in others’ lives.
Robert enjoys being a Certified Love and Respect Marriage Mentor together with his wife.
Robert also mentors with men only. He takes great joy in seeing lives changed.
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