A week before my 60th birthday, Monica informed me that she needed time and space away from me and that I had to move out! Not only did she want NO contact, but also, the separation would be indefinite; no target date of re-connection. Because of God’s grace and mercy, what was probably the most heart-wrenching period of my entire life became one of the best and blessed. Not merely because I was away from living in tension, but because I drew closer to God and discovered that He really was and is my Abba, my Dad, and that I am really His forgiven son! I also discovered life after death to self. I was dead to my reputation, pride and secrets; dead to a permanent address and joint finances; dead to trying to be in control! As I had lost the most important relationship of my earthly life, I also lost the fear of losing anything else. I found freedom in depending on God every hour of every day. I was free to be who I really am.

While I no longer needed Monica in an unhealthy way, I did desire some kind of resolution. After more than a year of separation, I woke up to realize that control had been my core issue and basis for my inappropriate, angry behaviour! I overreacted with anger when I realized I was not in control, much less of myself. I couldn’t relate to obviously abusive men who controlled their wives outer world; what they wore, where they went, who they talked to, how much money they spent, etc. But it became clear that my type of abuse was more subtle. My insisting that she agree with me and think like me was arguably worse than even physical abuse, because it violated her inner personhood. Of course, now it seems utterly ridiculous to expect that another person, and a woman at that, would always come around and see things from MY perspective! Being more “educated” and a teacher besides, surely reinforced my mentality of being “right” at least 98% of the time.

After about a year of reading self-help books, months of individual counseling, and beginning a Christian 12-step program, I noticed that I was rarely feeling angry at anyone, anything or myself any more. Was I simply avoiding people and situations that would tempt me or was I really changing? It seemed I was free to accept what I couldn’t change and focus instead on what I COULD do in an uncomfortable or difficult situation.

Soon after I realized I was living with a new heart and spirit, I emailed my wife, not knowing whether there would be any response. She was willing to meet with me and for three hours we expressed thoughts and feelings, we shared similar things that we had learned, and we cried together. For the next seven months we met for a few hours almost every day. We experienced much healing during this wonderful, although often difficult, period of reconciliation.

Seven months later, we were both at peace about living together again. We soon experienced restoration and we celebrated our 38th wedding anniversary!

Realizing we still had several areas to work thru in our marriage, we committed ourselves to EFCT, Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, essentially practicing fully listening and saying back what we heard. Unfortunately, about a year and half later, as is often the case in life and relationships, I became lax and took for granted that Monica and I were living so much better than we used to. When it was obvious that she was sharing from her heart, I was ready and able to listen, but other times, I interrupted her and made it hard for her to finish what she wanted and/or needed to say, causing her to feel unimportant, devalued, etc.

In the past two years we’ve worked hard at practicing new relationship skills and undoing old habits. We’ve gone forward and we’ve had setbacks. I acknowledge that I need to be self-vigilant and consistently accountable to a few others in order to maintain my death to self and walking in newness, which means giving myself and even preferring my wife over myself, as it says in Phil. 2:3. Almost every morning we verbally commit and recommit to cultivating our connection. We don’t want to slip and lose what we’ve worked so hard to rebuild and enjoy!

We recently celebrated our 40th anniversary and are experiencing a renewed love, trust and security with one another. We feel privileged to be involved in offering hope and support to other wives, husbands and couples who are in crisis. We find it both humbling, as we depend on Holy Spirit’s wisdom and leading, and encouraging, as we already witness a difference in others’ lives.

Robert enjoys being a Certified Love and Respect Marriage Mentor together with his wife.
Robert also mentors with men only. He takes great joy in seeing lives changed.